[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
🤣🤣💀
shut up and take my money
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.