There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
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The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
…żyje?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit