If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
The answer is funnier than the question
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
A drum solo but on your face.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
A leaf blower, but for people.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”