My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
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My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My favorite female superhero