Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.