Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
You Might Also Like
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.