Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
You Might Also Like
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.