My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
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This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
…u ok Nintendo?
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.