Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
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“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.