me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
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ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.