“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
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[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”