*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
And that about sums it up.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!