To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol