911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
you have three unread messages
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.