BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
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Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.