My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
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A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
wishing you and yours all the best
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.