[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata