I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.