A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Breaking news:
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“What?”
– Jude
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony