“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
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[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.