“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
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The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Do not levitate over flowers
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter