Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
courtroom exchange of the day
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.