So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
2022 will be better than 2021
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
prepare for carbonated trouble
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.