I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
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Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Social distancing in Australia:
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.