The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
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Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees