Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
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[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Practicing safe sax
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.