Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
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Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
North and South
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math