LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
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There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.