who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
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ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I was up all night reading about insomnia