A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.