Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”