To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I only eat vegetarians.