Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
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How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.