As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?