Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
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[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed