One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
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What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
britain’s three elite institutions
Pretty much! 😂👀
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
his wife is probably gonna see that
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.