Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
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i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
work smarter, not harder
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Confused owl: What?!
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
When your man makes a valid point
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”