Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
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Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Extremely relatable.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.