If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
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Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Current mood: Potato
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Mornin
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?