I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
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I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.