My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
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I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
What a year we’ve had this week.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Ok but actually
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.