My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
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What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.