I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
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when you don’t want to be too vague
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
This could’ve been an email.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
TRAIN’S HERE
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
was Jim off killing horses or…
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure