Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.