doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
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Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.