In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score