Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
But wait…
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head