Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
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I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Perfect.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?