I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
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Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’