Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
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the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
OH. COME. ON.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.